Kelly Ponder from Fordyce, Arkansas was a senior history major at Arkansas State University. The column originally appeared during 1997 in the ASU Herald the campus newspaper. Kelly's off the wall sense of humor is evident in his quirky presentations of campus life.
With the Internet, strip malls and the interstate system, college campuses have morphed into a homogeneous culture with one university kiosk indistinguishable from the next.
But Arkansas State University is the exception.
Everyday vexing vernacular and didactic diction echo throughout the throngs of students displaying trendy talk. Even independents are saying, "It's Greek to me!"
I've hoped to provide a definitive guide to campus lingo to promote understanding among area orators. Maybe this attempt to explain cryptic phrases and terms will cure students' fear of unknown argot.
WIGGIN' IT-Opting for the Wigwam instead of the Woodland Cafeteria.
KATE MOSS MEAL-Unedible cafeteria food you didn't eat.
THE LINE-I thought this was a large cat at the Memphis Zoo. It actually refers to the Poinsett County border that is the closest place to purchase alcohol.
SCHOOL SPIRIT-Synonym for gin.
4:20-Something to do with marijuana.
3.14-Something to do with pie.
RAMEN NOODLE BUDGET-Money is scant. You can't rub two food stamps together.
EL NINO-Justification for any problem, regardless of nature. "It's because of El Nino."
STUDENT ACTIVITIES BORED-Refers to the extreme boredom experienced while listening to an uninteresting professor.
THE OLD COLLEGE SIGH-Response when Joneboro teenagers recount their exciting tales of "dragging Nettleton" on weekends.
YELLOW DRAIN-Also called plumber's jaundice. This describes a Twin Towers sink when a resident urinates in the privacy of his own room.
TOP-HEAVY INSOMNIACS-Those students who come to class without sleep constantly bobbing their head while falling asleep. And they always sit up front.
FECAL MATTER MATTERS-This phrase is heartfelt plea for restoration exclaimed during a shortage of toilet paper. For example, "Aw man, where's the Charmin? Fecal matter matters!"
I DRINK, THEREFORE I AM-Drunken rationalization by philosophy majors trying to prove they exist although the vomit on the upholstery is ample evidence.