Ponder This - Proposal

Ponder This by Kelly Ponder

SGA Proposal Will Make Mockery of Academics

With the Student Government Association's proposal of publishing results from students' evaluations of faculty, the campus is teeming with vehement debate.

Like every intra-family marriage proposal in the deep South, I react with a resounding, "YES!"

I haven't been so elated since the release of the last Jim Varney film. The reason for my happiness is I'm dumb. Yep, dumb as a coffee brick. In fact, when I viewed the recent Varney movie, I depressed the pause button on accident and expected two clawed feet of a quadruped animal to emerge from the videocassette slot.

I definitely think our professors should be held accountable. And after a particularly rough day, just held.

Some people say this access will generate a popularity contest among teachers.

Pedagogues are happenin' dudes when they cancel class. This often occurs when a professor attends a meeting or observes a national holiday, like Oct. 24.

This is the heralded holiday fabled in story and song, otherwise known as the last day to drop an individual course. On this occasion, undergraduates line Aggie Road overturning vehicles and dropping their pants in a symbolic gesture stating they can set back their graduation until the new millennium.

Well-liked professors usually affix ephedrine tablets to their syllabus to combat their monotone droning.

The evaluations will be a boon to the General Studies program. This major will be exposed for what it is: the intense study of the orange Dodge Charger featured on the television show "The Dukes of Hazzard."

The important question is how these evaluation results will be presented. They should take the form of chalk on concrete.

Commission the sororities to write they love certain professors rather than Arkansas State University and the Indians.

And seek help from the Homecoming Court nominees. They will produce a flood of fliers plastered on every kiosk in a neo-Andy Warhol fashion. This strategy will reach more students than any media or booklet format.

And the evaluations will not only breed "kewl" professors but also will improve A-State's quality of education.

Fear of a negative assessment will water down a course until the teachers reflexively wield their "A" rubber stamp and the only paper they require are rolling papers.

Textbooks will be obsolete unless someone likes really thick coasters.

Subjects will soon blur into one homogenous topic pop culture.

And our foreign language instruction will examine Bob Dylan's English. Once again, the last day to drop an individual course is Oct. 24. Jump on the bandwagon today! Let's make this campus Dan Quayle friendly.

Let's get so stupid we cram for a blood test.