LARRY DONN writes for Now Dig This
YOU CAN BE A SONGWRITER...INSTANTLY!

Don't laugh! You, too, can be popular and have lots of friends! It's easy! It's simple! It's fun! Even you can do it! Just follow the directions in this informative article and soon your friends will all be sighing and swooning when you sing your song. Some of them may even actually pass out from emotion! You can get an officially handsome certificate, suitable for framing, that says, "THIS CERTIFIES THAT (your name) IS A GENUINE, BONAFIDE SONGWRITER AND IS ENTITLED TO ALL RIGHTS AND PRIVILEGES THEREOF". Check with your local printer.

Now, for starters, try to get your local symphony orchestra to acompany you as you follow the easy directions. Or, perhaps a famous rock group would help on a day off. Of course, rock groups are well-known for wanting to save the world or plant petunias on their days off, so unless your powers of persuasion are extraordinary, you may have to settle for a local combo. If all else fails, accompany yourself by stamping your foot and slapping your knee. This movement can also be a great ice-breaker at parties. If you get an adverse reaction, quickly embarrass the host by announcing that his home is infested with cockroaches.

When performing your song, for a really big finish fall to the floor and kick vigorously, in circles screaming "Elvis is alive! Elvis is alive!". This is guaranteed to hold your audience's attention while you sing your last line.

Now, put on your songwriter's cap and follow these simple directions closely:

In figure 12c-19, you'll find basic song PF14/24J from our Basic Song Book No. 706-x15, Page 45, Section g, Part 16.

(Figure 12C-19) basic song PF-14/24J

AS I 1 IN MY 2 THIS MORNING,
MY 3'S GETTING BIGGER ALL THE TIME.
I TELL MYSELF 4, SHE'S GOT 5
BUT THOSE 6 KEEP 7 UP MY 8.
I REALIZE SHE'S 9 AND IT'S ALL 10
AND I'LL NEVER 11 HER 12 13 AGAIN.
I SUPPOSE 14 I'LL FIND 15
BUT I GUESS I'LL BE A 16 UNTIL THEN.

* Although rhyming is considered good form, it can seriously hamper your creativity and is rumoured to be a cause of the common cold. Very few of the pieces written by Mozart, Chopin or Hemingway have rhyming words, so it's really not necessary. If you ever tune in an opera by mistake on TV, notice the words don't rhyme very much.

(Figure 12C-20) basic word lists L-99 to L-115, Basic Song Book No. 706-X15, Page 1034, Section W, Part 128.

1:
LIE
FLOP
GARGLE
SWIM
PROCRASTINATE

2:
BED
SINK
GARDEN
TOILET
PRINCIPLES

3:
HEADACHE
EGO
WIFE
HUSBAND
NATIONAL DEBT

4:
FORGET HER
I'M ANEMIC
BUZZ OFF
YOU'RE BEUTIFUL
YOU SMELL

5:
SOMEONE ELSE
FOUR ARMS
B.O.
V.D.
ASTIGMATISM

6:
MEMORIES
MIDNIGHT SNACKS
BOB DYLAN SONGS
PURPLE FROGS
FIFTEEN DRINKS

7:
MESSING
ROLLING
THROWING
VACUUMING
SAUTEING

8:
MIND
CAR
SISTER
GARBAGE
CONVICTIONS

9:
GONE
IRISH
A DEMOCRAT
CRAZY
LEWD

10:
OVER
UNDER
BETWEEN
STUPID
ELEMENTARY

13:
LIPS
AUNT SARAH
GOAT
TOBS
DOBERMAN

14:
SOMEDAY
THURSDAY
NEXT MARCH
IN A FEW MINUTES
AT THE SUPERMARKET

15:
ANOTHER
OIL
JOHNNY CASH
A PIZZA
A FREE TICKET

16:
PLAYBOY
FARMER
TROUBLE-MAKER
ABOMINABLE SNOWMAN
FRANKFURTER

As you perform your song (Figure 12C-19), insert in each numbered blank a word from the correpondingly numbered list in figure 12C-20. Or, if you prefer, make up your own words. Please do not use dirty words in mixed company.

Sing your song to the tune of Beethoven's 'Symphony Number 6 In F' (Pastoral) or 'Uncle Hank's Black River Rag'. These compositions are not as popular as they once were and it may have been a week or two since you heard either on the radio, so you may sing to the tune of your favourite song, if you'd rather. If you don't have a favourite song, any song will do. If you don't know any songs, just chant the words in any rhythm you like. If you have no rhythm, you may read the words aloud. If you can't read, you've probably already made a fortune writing disco lyrics and aren't interested anyway.

Just think, memorize the words to your song and you'll be the hit of the next party you attend! Don't breathe a word about it until you all gather merrily around the piano to sing some old favourites, then, soaring your song on the crowd! As you sing those beutiful words you chose so lovingly, your friends will stand spellbound, awe-struck by the magnificience of your creation! When you caress those last few notes, they'll crowd around you, applauding gaily, begging to know where you got such a marvellous song. Then, imagine the thrill when you tell them that YOU are the composer!

When the word gets around, you'll be invited to all the most important gatherings and you might even get a letter from your congressman. Or, who knows, maybe an invitation from the President to one of his parties! How exciting! You can be sure that once you sing your song at the President's party, he'll ask you back again and again. Why, he might even appoint you an ambassador to somewhere or other!!

But, we warn you, don't set your goals too high, but, it wouldn't hurt to run out and check on a texedo rental, just to be sure they have one in your size. A shortage of tuxedoes could very well develop when people start reading this and writing their own songs. Just think, if everyone wrote his or her own song, you could form an international organization with conventions in Paris and Butte, Montana, and other exotic places! Each member could sing his or her song to tumultuous applause and afterward, congratulate each other on the beauty of your respective creations. Of course, you could have punch and cookies, too, if you like.

Don't let others like Paul McCartney, Burt Bacharach, Marvell Winslow and Ludwig Von Beethoven hog all the fun, glamour and glory! Show them that you, too, can be a songwriter.

Our method is absolutely free... no royalties to pay, no parts to buy and no admission charge. Of course, we could always use a dozen or so eggs, maybe a pound or two of butter or something... a trip to "Hawaii would be nice.
So, let's go! Start writing your very own song and the future is yours!